The Thing About Anger

“I’m just so angry all the time” he told me as he slumped down into his usual seat on the couch with a weary sigh. “My wife is on me all the time…she says I need to get my anger in check or we’re done.” Scenes like this are so common in my office. Often, being told they’re too angry by their loved ones is the answer to the question “what brings you in?” by people coming to therapy for the first time. People in their lives have gotten tired of the yelling, the arguing, the storming off, and the slamming of doors.

But the thing about anger is it rarely travels alone. Anger is the armor worn by our more vulnerable emotions – shame, guilt, embarrassment, fear of rejection or abandonment, just to name a few. Anger’s function is to protect us from having to feel these vulnerable feelings, because we fear we won’t be able to handle that. Our brain tells us, and responds as if, we are in danger of death when these deeper emotions begin bubbling up and threaten to breach the surface. So anger, with its sword and shield, allows us to react with our behaviors - yelling, throwing or breaking things, stomping away – in order to distract ourselves from feeling the deeper feelings it protects. The problem is that wearing armor into every difficult situation means we’re always prepared for battle. The goal of battle is always to win, and to win at all costs, even if it leaves our “opponent” slain. If, on the other hand, we can set down our armor, our weapons of battle, we can be open to feeling and expressing our deeper hurts, and getting to know our partner’s. Instead of a battlefield, where everyone ends up more wounded, we can create a sanctuary for connection and, ultimately, healing.

We’re all societally conditioned, to some degree, to believe that if we’re not happy anger is the only safe or acceptable emotion to express. When little boys get hurt (physically or emotionally), they’re told to stop crying, or to “toughen up” or “walk it off.” When they’re scared, they’re told to “man up” or to get over it. When girls are sad or hurt, they’re told to stop being dramatic or “so emotional.” It’s no wonder that most of us are afraid to show our partners when we’re hurt, sad, scared, or feeling rejected, let alone talk about it. But all of these feelings are a normal part of life, and energy spent trying to keep them bottled up often has the unintended consequence of pushing our partners away. Sometimes because our angry actions hurt them, and sometimes because the armor we use to keep our vulnerable feelings from getting out also creates a barrier to letting their love in.

So, what to do about this? The first step in learning to keep anger from interfering in our relationships is to identify what’s hiding under its surface. In my office, I often recommend clients use a Feeling Wheel tool (which can be found with a quick Google search) to help them broaden their emotional vocabulary, and begin identifying deeper emotions that might also be at play when they feel angry. Journaling can also be helpful for sorting out what emotions anger may be guarding. The second step is to learn to become comfortable feeling and sitting with these more vulnerable emotions. One of my favorite sayings is “you have to sit in the shit.” Its not fun, but allowing yourself to feel the tough emotions, instead of pushing them away, distracting, or lashing out, will teach your brain that it’s not the life and death matter it thinks it is, and that you can survive feeling bad for a little while. Deep breathing exercises can help settle your nervous system and allow you to feel these feelings without entering full on fight or flight. Finally, we have to learn to share these vulnerable emotions with our partners. Being able to say “I’m feeling rejected and that scares me,” for example, will build trust and safety within a relationship, and lead to opportunities for repair and connection. A far better outcome than yelling “you’re always going out with your friends and I always get stuck doing dinner and bedtime with the kids” and then storming off and not talking to each other for two days. Intentional and consistent practice setting down our anger to make space for our more vulnerable emotions to exist within our relationship is a gift we give to ourselves and our partner, that will ultimately lead to healthier, more satisfying relationships.